Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
