so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
