I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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