the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
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Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
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Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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