I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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