Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
