Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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