Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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