Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
