Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
