apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
