party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
