made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
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