dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
