At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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