im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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