well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
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I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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