I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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