I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
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She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
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And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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