I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
babies were throwing up all over the place
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
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Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
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she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.