Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.