I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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