Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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