Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me