I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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