I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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