i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
