bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
