I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
