I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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