he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.