he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day