I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water