I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
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Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
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FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.