Your mouth is God's brothel.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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