If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
