i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
