when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Randomize
