I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
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I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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