I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
