i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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