Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
