I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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