go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
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I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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