hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
my sisters under your porch take her home
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
