It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
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Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
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As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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