i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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