You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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