listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
