every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.