Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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