I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Randomize
