I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize