my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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